For the longest time, I've kept a part of myself hidden or denied having depression altogether, fearing judgment from others. It's daunting to consider sharing this vulnerability with the world, afraid of how I'll be perceived once people realize I'm not the picture-perfect woman with everything under control. The fear of judgment, the pressure to be flawless, it's overwhelming. Why can't I just keep this hidden forever? Why must I expose myself and risk feeling alone?
Yet, I could conceal this side of me, let the world believe I'm a polished woman with no cracks in my facade. But that wouldn't be authentic; it would be a lie. Today, I'm breaking that silence because I'm weary of hiding the imperfect, flawed person I am. I struggle to navigate life, constantly battling self-doubt and anxiety. Despite my efforts to connect with others, many interactions turn out shallow or insincere. People may perceive me as someone solely defined by my outward appearance or online presence, but in truth, I am first and foremost a mother, devoted to caring for my son and my dogs.
Managing depression while fulfilling responsibilities is an uphill battle. At times, it offers respite from dwelling on negative thoughts, yet I find myself spiraling frequently amidst the stressors of daily life. Doubts plague my mind: am I good enough? Am I failing as a mother? Shouldn't I be focusing on more 'important' pursuits instead of pursuing my passions? I yearn for understanding, for someone to see past my facade and comprehend the fragility within me, to realize how close I am to breaking.
I often entertain thoughts of escape, yet paradoxically, I am where I want to be. I need to learn to purge the toxicity from my surroundings, to assert boundaries and prioritize my well-being without feeling guilty. I crave genuine connections, yet fear being perceived as withdrawing from the world. I must confront my fears head-on, relinquishing the compulsion to flee. Writing this blog is daunting, as it feels like exposing my soul to scrutiny, anticipating criticisms and judgment. Yet, I shouldn't be ashamed of my flaws or concerned with others' perceptions. Acceptance of self should be paramount, though it's a journey fraught with obstacles, with whispers of inadequacy echoing in the background.
Living with depression is a constant struggle. It's battling the incessant belief that life is unbearable and that one is a burden to those around them. It's resisting the allure of suicide, a daily skirmish against intrusive thoughts. Stable relationships seem unattainable, overshadowed by the fear of burdening others. Despite these challenges,
I've learned to counter negative thoughts, to redirect focus towards positivity through exercise and social engagement. I share my struggles today in the hope of fostering understanding, of granting insight into the complexities of my daily existence.
Exercise has become my refuge, a sanctuary where I can silence the cacophony of negative thoughts and focus on self-improvement. It fosters a sense of well-being, bolstering my self-esteem and combatting the societal pressures that contribute to depression. I began this journey in the wake of a family tragedy, recognizing the gravity of depression and the necessity of destigmatizing mental health discussions. Too often, individuals suffer in silence, afraid to seek help due to societal stigma or familial judgment. Open dialogue is imperative to prevent needless loss.
This is a glimpse into my daily struggles with depression, a testament to the resilience required to persevere. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can offer solace to those who feel alone in their battles. You're not alone; there are countless individuals grappling with similar challenges. Reach out, speak up—there's always someone willing to listen, even if it's a stranger. Together, we can dispel the shadows of isolation and foster a community of support and understanding.
Until we meet again,
Blessings,
Kandie Angel