It's hard to fathom that March 2022 is already upon us. The whirlwind of the past year has left me feeling as if time is slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. This month, however, has been particularly challenging as I grapple with my depression. Despite my best efforts to stay afloat, some days feel like an uphill battle. Suicidal thoughts have become a constant companion, lingering in the shadows of my mind, refusing to dissipate.
Putting on a facade of happiness for those around me has become second nature, but behind closed doors, tears flow freely and without reason. There are moments when the weight of existence feels unbearable, and I entertain thoughts of escape. Yet, amidst the darkness, there are fleeting moments of respite, where the world appears in shades of hope.
The strain on my relationships exacerbates the struggle. My boyfriend's distance, my dwindling interactions with my roommate, and the perpetual absence of my friends weigh heavily on me. I feel like a burden, perpetually disappointing those around me with my indecisiveness and inability to navigate even the simplest of tasks.
Living with depression is a constant battle of highs and lows, where reality is distorted by the lens of insecurity and self-doubt. The relentless cycle of overthinking and self-analysis only serves to deepen the abyss within. Medication has never been an option for me, as I refuse to relinquish control of my body to pharmaceutical solutions that offer no solace.
Writing has always been my outlet, a means of connecting with others who may find solace in shared experiences. Today, I choose to shed light on the darker corners of my reality, forgoing the facade of positivity for raw authenticity. The struggle with depression is multifaceted, a labyrinth of conflicting emotions where discerning reality from illusion becomes an insurmountable task.
Despite the darkness that threatens to consume me, there remains a glimmer of hope—a reminder that pain is transient and that resilience lies within. The journey towards healing is arduous, requiring a commitment to self-discovery and growth. Though the path may be fraught with obstacles, I refuse to surrender to despair.
As the clock strikes 1:23 AM, I lay down my thoughts, hopeful that my words may serve as a beacon of light for those navigating similar struggles.
Until we meet again, may you find peace amidst the chaos.
Blessed Be,
XoXoXo
Kandie Angel
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