2020-09-19

Stressed Out In Florida

Why does life have to be so hard?

When I first started writing this blog, I didn't know what the hell I was going to name it. I was sitting in my office, trying to figure out what to write about, and just decided to start writing. I figured that something should come to me as I write this blog. So far, nothing. Well, there are a few things; I wanted to write about how my son is too scared to talk to girls, then I was contemplating on writing about how it's so hard to get motivated to get back into the gym, even though I have already been back a few times. Then I have people who are always expecting my time, and get upset at me when I don't have time to be on the phone.

I am literally starting to wear thin, and I don't think anyone truly understands how exhausting it can be to be me at times. I would love to take time to myself and not have to worry about anyone or anything, but I can't. I don't get the luxury of taking a day off without one person getting pissed off that I am being selfish, and taking the day for myself. I would love to take a day, where I go out to a restaurant to have lunch, maybe do a little day drinking, then go to the beach afterwards, and just sit by myself until sunset, reading a book, and watching the view by myself without anyone around to bug me. No phone on, no drama, just me and my book.

That is something that could never happen. I would have people out thinking I'm trying to date people, or someone complaining because I'm not being a good friend, or someone telling me that I am not being a good mom because I am taking a day to myself, and not spending it with my kid. I just want time off from the life I live on a daily basis. Sad part is, I would feel bad if I tried to take that time. Most likely, I would be the one telling myself that I am being selfish, or neglectful to my son, or I'm not being a good friend. Most of the time, I am harder on myself because I start overthinking things when I'm all alone.

I have been going through a few personal things that have kept me pretty busy, but it's not anything that I feel the need to share with the world just yet. I am heartbroken, and that is all that needs to be said about that. I just wish that I could rewind the clock, and change a few things along the way. Maybe, life would be a bit different. I am loving Florida, but I can't seem to help feeling lost again. I have done a couple photoshoots, but I haven't found one friend here. It really sucks when you don't have anyone to turn to when you need to talk, or someone that you want to go walking with, but the only ones you have to invite are your ex's. Why can't I find a cool chick to hang out with, go shopping, go on walks, etc. Someone that is wanting to escape with me to complain about men. I just haven't found a friend. I don't remember how to meet people anymore; it has become hard to make friends in my older age.

I have so many things that are on my mind lately. Adam came back from overseas, and we broke up because the distance over the last year put a strain on our relationship, and that eventually led to us splitting up. We are still trying to be friends, but right now, a relationship isn't the best thing for me. I hope one day that we can get back to where we were, but only time will tell. I just wish I could find a way to get over this stress of being a single mom doing everything alone. I tend to forget things, like that fact that I don't have insurance anymore, or that I have two wedding dresses I will never put on again. Yes, you heard that right. Not one, but two dresses. I have a ring I will never wear, and a life I was planning for that I will never get to know how it turns out.

All these things have been running through my head lately, and I can't seem to find a way to quiet the thoughts. I just wish I could go back and make different choices. Now though, I just want to get away from it all, clear my head, and just move forward with my life. I am finally at a point where I'm not scared to be alone in this world. I just wish I could figure out what I truly want. I really don't know anymore. I go everyday trying to figure out how I fit in this world, and I keep coming up short with answers. Maybe I will figure it out, for now I am taking life one day at a time until I figure out which fork to take in the next road we call life.

For now, I am just trying to live one day at a time trying to deal with the stress going on around me. I have friends who expect so much of me, that are not even here everyday in my life. They somehow find a way to make me feel badly for not having the free time to be on calls all day. I have been putting my writing off lately because of how demanding everyone has been with my free time, that I just don't have any left. I think for now, I am going to cut the world out and focus on my writing. Maybe I will actually take the time to finish the book I started writing almost a year ago. Time to get some writing done.

Until next time,

Blessed be!