2020-08-15

Married to COVID-19

Thank you to my fans for pushing me to pursuing my dreams

I am having a hard time coming up with something to write because I have been heartbroken lately. When Covid-19 happened, it changed my whole world. I was supposed to be married in Paris back in April. I was supposed to live this happily ever after life that I had planned in my head, but that didn't happen. The whole world shut down, and my life essentially stopped as a result. My fiancé at the time was overseas, and I was here trying to figure out how to keep my head up. I decided to move to Florida from Colorado to get our life started, even though were still apart from one another. I found a beautiful house, made it into a beautiful home, and awaited his arrival.

In that time, I ended up making a few really bad mistakes along the way, which I will have to live with. I can only learn from the things that I have done, instead of focusing on the negatives, I decided to try to make better choices. Well he came home, and things didn't turn out the way we planned. Things have changed so much since he came home, so I have decided to focus on myself for a bit. I always put so much time into others. Now it's time for me to put time into myself. That's what I need to focus on!

I have somehow lost myself along the way, and I don't know where to look to find the person I thought I was. I have come to a point in my life, that I don't know where I am or where I want to be. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel so lost inside, and I just want to hide from myself. Depression has been something I have struggled with for many years, and I have always denied it because I didn't want people thinking that I was weak or broken. I was afraid of being judged.

I have never been so vulnerable in front of others, but now I am at the point of breaking. I feeling like me being here has just caused so many people pain, that I just want to go. I just want to just disappear and vanish so no one has to worry about me anymore because I am just a burden on people who care for me. Everyone worries about me, and these people don't even live their own lives because they are always worried about pathetic little me. I feel like me trying to find happiness is so hurtful to others along the way that it kills me. I'm ashamed of myself being broken. I know this sounds badly because people are going to read this and think, "Oh no, she's going to hurt herself!". Don't worry, I am not!

I just get super depressed, and I am tired of hiding the real me. I am tired of being worried that others will unfollow me or not like me anymore, due to the fact that I suffer from depression. We all have things that we struggle with. The question is, are you afraid to admit whatever it is to yourself, or even to others? All I can say is that for now, I am going to keep pushing forward until I figure out my next move in life!

Until next time,

Blessed be!